The Suburban Book of the Dead: Armageddon III: The Remake by Robert Rankin

Author:Robert Rankin [Rankin, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Humour
ISBN: 9780552139236
Google: pJqJJG3BnoAC
Goodreads: 49612
Publisher: Corgi
Published: 1993-06-01T04:00:00+00:00

The truth is flexible, white hot, but it soon becomes brittle if tempered with cold bullshit.

Robert Williams

Sterne Wonder felt my face. Louise Rennison

The Suburban Book of the Dead

'There must be some kinda way outta here,' sang Rex Mundi to no-one but himself. The trouble was, for the life of him, he could not imagine where or what it might be.

The big white room didn't have much to offer. It boasted a desk and a chair to its account. But was knowingly undersold in the window department. And it only had the one door.

Rex stepped lively. He picked up Laura's gun and considered his options. He could hide behind the door and dub them down one by one when they came in. Or at a pinch he might be able to squeeze himself into the desk drawer and hide. A heroic stand against impossible odds was always a possibility. As was his stumbling across the secret technique of effecting invisibility.

Rex numbered his options on to his fingers. 'I'll just have to dip for it,' he said. 'Dip, dip, sky blue; who's it, not you. There goes the desk drawer. Dip, dip, sky blue; who's it, not-'

There was an almighty crash.

'And there goes the door.'

'Stick 'em up,' chorused the large men with large guns tumbling over each other through the doorway.

'Or I might just stick 'em up.' Rex threw down Laura's weapon for the second time and stuck 'em up. "That's another option, I suppose.'

The latest crop of large men with large guns thundered into the studio and formed themselves into a chaotic firing squad.

'Ready,' cried one. They made themselves ready.

'Take aim.' They took aim.

'Fi-'

'Hold it right there!' Rex shouted. 'And that's an order.'

Ti . . . oh . . . er . . . it's you, sir.'

'Yes.' Rex wondered how he had omitted this rather obvious option from his former list. 'It's me. How dare you point your weapons in my direction.'

T'm sorry, sir. Just got a bit carried away with all the excitement of storming the building and everything. No offence meant.'

'Well, some taken, I can assure you. Attens,'zwn,''

The squad came to attention. Rex reviewed his troops. 'This is a sorry business,' said he.

'Sir?' One of the ranks put his hand up. As they all looked very much the same it didn't matter which one.

'What is it, soldier?'

'Sir, how come you were behind us in the corridor and now you're in front of us here?'

T'm glad you asked me that.' Rex paced up and down trying hard to look glad.

'And wearing different clothes, sir?'

'Yes indeed.' Rex turned upon the questioner. 'Do you know anything about the transperambulation of pseudo-cosmic anti-matter?'

'Er ... no sir ... not much.'

'Well then.'

'Well then, sir?'

'Well then, dear off. Carry on. Dismissed. Get moving.'

'Yes sir.' There was mass saluting, mass mumbling and mass pouring out of the door.

And Rex found himself once more alone in the big bright room. He picked up Laura's gun yet again and tucked it into his jacket.

'Rex Mundi, you genius. Time you left the building.

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